Not So Tiny Buddha

Lori Deschene is an amazing woman that helped herself and then all of us by writing and aggregating simple wisdoms to life’s persistent and most difficult questions. She created the Tiny Buddha, and I can only assume that an inherent good has also turned out to be good business. The latter rarely succeeds without the former. Tiny Buddha has a popular Twitter feed and a new book out, but it was this wonderful video I stumbled upon, that I connected with initially. Lori gives a very personal talk. Quite unexpectedly, she made me stop and think a little differently, and feel a little less alone with a secret I keep.

In fact, in no small way, her story inspired me to revisit what I write, and how I share it. I know a thing or two about being disconnected, and to say I would like to do better is the kind of understatement I state too often.

My website has been a big part of who I am for a very long time—how I capture and share the unique experiences in my life. In retrospect, I think I’ve often mistaken publishing with sharing. After all these years, I don’t feel much closer to being completely honest about who I’m actually putting out there—both online, and offline. I’m afraid to say what I’m actually thinking far too often. I greatly admire those, even the buffoons, that can better get out of their own damn way long enough to make authentic connections and not overly censor their feelings or creativity.

I realize this may only make sense to me, but I’ve spent countless—literally countless—hours over the past couple weeks teaching myself PHP and CSS, just so that I may build a simpler website that enables more than it hinders. Perhaps a very small and indirect step, but it’s one in a gait of many others that I hope will go in the right general direction.

I’m not afraid of much in life, but I am very much afraid of not being able to take something back. This is countered only slightly by the fact that I’m also afraid of wimping out. Despite some of the professional successes I’ve experienced, to my detriment, I think I have become way too accomplished at hiding behind my own craft and cleverness. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way? And yes, writing even this very little bit, is pretty scary. But I take some comfort in knowing that I can delete it tomorrow.

In fairness to myself, I am prone to over analyze and may be unnecessarily tough on myself at times, and I may now be making far too sweeping a statement. But none the less, despite my values and constant reach for candid and real, I need to do better at being here, without the burden of getting there.

Thanks to Lori and everyone else doing tiny things that serve as great big models for authenticity, and for how, despite all the noise and virtual means, we can better connect with the people around us.